Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful, dreadful, dreadful.

This film hurt me. I remember the first film, I recall it being a reasonably entertaining romp with slightly bland heroes (Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley) saved by a comedic performance by Johnny Depp. This film made me question how good that original actually was.

This ‘family’ film adds an unwise concentration camp opening, about fourteen incomprehensible plot strands, extra bad guys (including those previously killed), Keith Richards and multiple unfunny Johnny Depps.

Every moment seems to drag on for an eternity and by the time the set piece ending drags sluggishly onto the screen you simple wish the film would end, but it doesn’t. The battle lasts forever and then there are two bonus endings including a set up for a fourth movie. Please god no.

The acting, aside from a returning Geoffry Rush, a CGI Bill Nighy and a monkey, is awful. Keira Knightley is eye-wateringly poor and I’ve never cared less about a hero than Orlando Bloom. Johnny Depp has one good line and as there are often more than one of him on the screen, you’d have expected a might higher hit rate.

The multiple plots including; a totally defunct Chow Yun Fat subplot; about 20 minutes of Jack Sparrow’s hallucinations; the return of Norrington (Jack Davenport); Keith Richard’s extended cameo and the pirate equivalent of R2 -D2 and C-3P0 could be excised without any loss to what little core story exists. They almost seem intended to distract from the bland central performances and the misfiring Depp.

An unmitigated disaster during which I just wanted it to end. Gore Verbinski seems to have confused ‘darkness’, blowing stuff up in slow motion and emotionless leads for a story and characters you care about. Never has so much money resulted in so little entertainment.